Respect Reimagined: Cracking the Code for Better Parent-Child Relationships

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Respect towards parents and elders is a huge thing in Asian culture.

I expect nothing less from my children as well. They will never talk back, and I will never accept any attitude of disrespect.

And here’s the ugly truth. I was extremely disrespectful towards my parents, especially during my teenage years. I talked back, gave them attitude and obviously was severely punished for my behaviour.

When I had my own children, I gave this aspect some serious consideration. 

“Why do children disrespect their parents?”

I have never been one to take the status quo as a good enough answer. Just because Confucius said so did not sit well with me. Now that I am a seasoned parent, though, I do appreciate his wisdom.

So, how do we get our kids to show us and treat us with respect?

I see humans being no different from other mammals. Humans also learn by imitating those around us. What makes humans different from other animals is that we have the ability to think and question. 

My conclusion on children disrespecting parents and others is simple. They don’t know what it looks like to be respected. 

The mistakes parents often make is that we think of respect in a one dimensional way. “Children should know what respect is.” That’s why we verbally teach them from a very young age to “Respect others. Especially your parents and elders.”

The Cambridge Dictionary definition is as below:

Respect (noun)

admiration felt or shown for someone or something that you believe has good ideas or qualities.

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As you can see, respect is a feeling. Respect is felt. It means that one needs to feel respected to know how to show respect.

And this is where it gets tricky for parents. “Why should I show respect to our kids? And how?”

First, it is important to understand that children's world centers around them. Not because they are self-centred but because they still do not fully understand that there is a bigger world outside of their parents. Yes, for a child, parents are their world.

Wanting to be loved and accepted by their parents is a survival mechanism for children. This might sound like an over-exaggeration, but it is literally a life-or-death situation to upset their parents. When a child begins to talk back to you, they assert themselves, letting you know that they are not an extension of you. This is when we should begin the process of teaching them the concept of respect.

Nurturing the value of respect is an investment done over time with humility, curiosity and fierce honesty. Imagine a time when you felt disrespected. Didn’t it make you feel unseen, unheard and misunderstood? Did you feel anger, hurt, frustration, sadness, insecurity, betrayal, defensiveness, confusion, resentment or self-doubt?

In essence, respecting children involves treating them with the same dignity and consideration that we expect for ourselves, recognizing their unique perspectives and capabilities as individuals deserving of respect.

Parenting can be done with the same skillset as a great leader. 

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Set a vision: Define family values.

Empower autonomy: Offer choices and encourage independent thinking. Honour them.

Build trust: Be consistent and honest.

Enhance communication: Listen actively and provide clear explanations.

Lead by example: Model respect, empathy, and integrity.

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There’s a missing piece to why children might end up disrespecting parents. The missing piece is this: If we could see children as sovereign individuals who have autonomy, we would start treating them the way we would like to be treated.

The side benefit of this approach is that we also end up teaching our children about boundaries. Boundaries are a topic of and by itself that requires deep self-reflection and brutal honesty with ourselves.

In closing this article, I would like to invite you to consider this one question if your children might be disrespectful toward you. 

“What did I do?”

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