Part 2 of “Power of No” - Videogames, Tech and Screentime

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You can find Part 1 here, where I talk about not saying no to sweets and snacks.

And no. This article is not about saying “No” more to games, tech, and screen time either.

In fact, it’s the opposite. I invite you to consider the positive outcomes and why saying “Yes” more might work in your favor as a parent.

We parents want our children to become disciplined, self-motivated adults. We want them to be lifelong learners and always stay curious.

These were the actual (unplanned) side effects of letting my kids play video games and watch as much YouTube as they wanted when we were unschooling.

First, let me explain what unschooling is.

Unschooling is an educational philosophy where we look at everything as a learning opportunity. It is child-led, allowing them to follow their curiosity and pursue their passion. The most important aspect of unschooling is that we, as parents, do not judge what our children are drawn to.

Often, we think that what makes a good parent is putting limits on what our kids should or shouldn’t do or have. One of them, in this modern age, is how much video games kids should play (or not at all) or screen time, such as watching YouTube.

I used to be the proper tiger mom who limited my boys' sweets and screen time intake. I never questioned this belief until I encountered the philosophy of unschooling. Because video games are so frowned upon, I did a lot of research on their benefits. Pam Sorooshian, one of the unschooling pioneers, offers great insights into this topic, which you can explore further.

When we are able to look at everything as a learning experience from an unschooling lens, the world starts to look different. Homeschoolers frequently are asked, “But how about socializing? Kids need to go to school to socialize.”

If you really think about it, schools definitely do not encourage students to chat with one another during class. The only time students are allowed to mingle is during recess, lunchtime, and after school. The majority of their day is spent not talking at all. Also, at no other time in your life will you be put in the same room with people who are all the same age. So, the idea that socializing happens at school is lopsided.

Another food for thought is that Socrates believed that writing ideas down would result in people’s memories getting worse. Or get this: People used to think chess was a source of intellectual laziness and antisocial behavior that could even make people violent!

This is to give you an example of the many things we do not stop to question and think of as the norm. So, what are the benefits of saying “Yes” to video games and screen time?

Fundamentally, it’s the same theory as saying “Yes” to sweets and snacks. These things simply end up being a novelty. By saying “Yes,” kids would come to understand that their games and screens will always be there for them and that they don’t have to fight with mom or dad to let them play for five more minutes, which ends up being thirty, where you are now threatening them that their consoles will be taken away. Have you ever done that fight before?

Simply put, if you want a self-motivated child, a reward and punishment method does not work. It might work to get your kids to do something, but it definitely is not helping them to become disciplined or self-motivated. (A great book on this topic is “Punished by Rewards” by Alfie Kohn)

Do you wonder why complete freedom actually creates disciplined humans?

It’s because freedom opens doors and opportunities even kids appreciate. They begin to appreciate learning at a whole new level. They learn how they learn and once they have that, there is no stopping them. Kids grow to love learning so much, they begin to set their own goals in life. They become self-motivated and disciplined because they look forward to the life they are going to create.

Once they have that, they’re golden. Your job as a parent is basically finished.

Some of you may wonder, “But what about manners and respect toward others?” Manners in my house are non-negotiable. Manners are about being considerate toward others. Respect should be given to everyone regardless of who they are, but I also believe respect is earned. I expect my boys to respect me just like they would everyone else. But for me to be respected as a parent, that is up to me, and I need to earn it. This might ruffle some feathers!

Imagine having a 15-year-old who is polite, respectful, motivated, and looking forward to the future. What more could a parent want?

However, this freedom doesn't mean a lack of parental involvement. On the contrary, it calls for active engagement. By participating in their gaming and online activities, asking questions, and showing genuine interest, we deepen our understanding of their world. This active participation turns seemingly solitary activities into opportunities for bonding and learning together. I cannot stress enough how this little bit of engagement has strengthened our parent-child relationship.

My boys' gaming passion has translated well into their academics. They've become skilled researchers and critical thinkers, choosing to fully engage in school because they value the freedom to go to school. They outgrew gaming earlier than peers, never feeling deprived of fun.

This journey from stringent and arbitrary restrictions to embracing freedom has taught us the value of a more open-minded approach to parenting. It’s a testament to the unexpected power of "No" and the enriching experiences it can lead to when we're willing to say "Yes."

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