The Power of No - Part 1

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Nope. It’s not what you think it is. I’m not saying you should say “no” frequently.

The ‘Power of No’ is powerful.

It makes you want to do it instead of the other way around.

Think about it.

“Don’t touch this, it’s fragile.”

“Don’t eat too much candy.”

“Don’t drink too much.”

Basically, it makes you want to do that something even more.

It’s human nature.

Why do we want something we can’t or shouldn’t have? Because when you can’t, it becomes ‘special’.

In parenting, what are the things we tell our kids not to do?

“Don’t eat too much sweets.”

“Don’t play too much video games.”

“Don’t be on your phone so much.”

And that’s precisely what they would want to do. It’s not because they want to annoy you or be defiant. It’s because what they can’t have or do has become a novelty.

I’ve seen this over and over again. My parenting journey has been about experiments and my kids have been my guinea pigs, and sorry, some of their friends have been observed as well.

During our unschooling days, I made it my mission to say less “no” and find a way to say more “yes”.

Initially, it started out by going cold turkey by having no limitations on sweets, snacks, and the amount of screentime they get.

This and by itself might cause terror to some parents.

But I was trying to figure out something.

My hypothesis was, “If the reason kids won’t stop asking for sweets or try to keep playing video games even after I say ‘turn it off’, what will happen if I let them make their own choices?”

That’s a bold move as a parent who thought of herself to be responsible and known to do the right thing.

Let me tell you what happened.

One day in January 2017, I told my boys that nothing is off-limits as long as they do not hurt other people or themselves.

The snack drawer was accessible 24/7. Screentime no longer had any limitations.

The first two weeks, the boys went haywire with the snacks and went crazy. I still cooked meals, but obviously, they weren’t hungry for food. I was totally freaking out inside and was afraid of the mistake I had made. But I stuck to my guns.

Then, around week 3, something shifted. The fruits I had on the table started to go, and the onigiri I had prepared for lunch were gone. What happened was that they began to listen to their bodies. When I asked them why they weren’t eating so many snacks anymore, they said, “My body wants fruits/vegetables/real food.” “I don’t feel so good with so many snacks.”

Now, this was a side effect I did not anticipate. Not only was the boys' hunger for candy saturated, but they also learned to listen to their bodies. They noticed at a very young age that sweets and chips do not feel fulfilling, and they weren’t feeling great. It is massively empowering for children that they learned this on their own, even when their conclusion was the same as what we’ve been telling them all along.

Ever since that day, while they still have their sweets and I have them lying around in the house (because I can live off chocolates), they aren’t interested, and most of the time, they don’t eat snacks at all.

As I observed this behavior shift in my boys, I also noticed that the parents who are the strictest with their children's sugar intake are also the children who stuff their faces with chocolates and candies like there is no tomorrow when the parents are not around.

I have seen children come for playdates and sleepovers, stuff their pockets with candy before they leave, or fall asleep with a lollipop in their mouth, and my observations show that those children had extremely strict parents.

Children will ALWAYS find a way to satisfy their desire as long as what they want remains a novelty.

What actually happened to these children was that they learned to lie and breach their parents' trust. They knew exactly what they were doing, and they most likely felt ashamed and guilty. You can tell from their behaviour; their body language said, “I know I’m not supposed to…”

And this is precisely why I decided to let go of control of food and screens.

I did not want to put my kids in a position where they had to lie to me to eat or do what they enjoyed.

I did not want to build a relationship with my kids where they had to lie because I disapproved of something.

I wanted to have a relationship with my children that was based on trust.

Be careful what you say “no” to. We, parents, think “no” is one of the words we are given to use whenever and however we’d like. My story regarding kids and sweets is just an example, and it applies to many other areas of parenting. The boys lost interest in sweets because it really didn’t matter much to them when the novelty wore off.

Next week, I will continue with this topic on the Power of No and examine one of the most controversial  topics for parents: games, Screens, and Technology.

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